The Beginning of Sam (The Prelude to "Samuel Godfrey George - Seven Years In The Making)

I was born to Balasundaram Ganesan, the third child of a Hindu and Hannah Evangeline Susheela Pandian, the third child of a Christian. My father Ganesan converted to Christianity and accepted the name, "George Godfrey." But after his marriage to Susheela, he continued to worship his Hindu god and retained his Hindu name. Susheela, my mother, also retained her maiden name, and was only unofficially Susheela George. My father was in his early forties and my mother in her late thirties when I was born. I, Samuel Surender, was born in the year 1972 in India, seven months after the death of my Uncle Edwin Pandian, who perished tragically in a road accident. My grandfather, J.P. Pandian, named me Samuel, as I was the son of his daughter Hannah. I was raised in a small house by my parents.

My first hair was dedicated to a Hindu god by my father. As a child, I do not remember being taken to a Hindu temple by my father, who allowed me to be raised as a Christian. However I grew up among Hindus and was familiar with their gods. I was particularly fascinated by the lord Ganesha. I used to keep his idol in my home during his festival called "Vinayaka Chathurthi". I would sit before the decorated Ganesha and admire him just as a Hindu would. I also witnessed a few Hindu pujas performed by the families of my friends. I have accompanied them to their temples, and though I do not recollect clearly, I may have bowed down to their gods and accepted the temple "prasadam", which is the temple food offered to the gods, and may have even worn the "vibudhi" or the sacred powder that the Hindus apply on their forehead. As a child and as a young man, I loved to eat the "Tirupathi laddu", which is made in a famous Hindu temple, and is therefore sacred to the Hindus.

As a boy, I went to church with my mother Susheela and my aunt Mary Helen Indra Pandian. My father occasionally accompanied us. I did not particularly like the church or the Sunday School. I liked to be with my mother and my aunt, who remain with me even now. They taught me Christian songs and prayers. My mother used to be play an active role in a Christian fellowship at her office. I used to accompany her sometimes to these Christian meetings. But I was not interested in Jesus Christ. I did not find Christ in these meetings or at my mother's church. I also did not see any evidence of Christ in the way we lived our lives.

As a child I had a dream. In this dream I was floating in the sky. And I saw a huge train of fire rage across the sky. It was an awesome sight, and I cried out to the fire in English, a language that I then did not know well. "I WILL SERVE YOU!", I shrieked to my Lord God Jehovah Jesus Holy Spirit, as He raced past me. Soon after the dream, I sat at the entrance of my house, looking up at the sky. "I want to see Jesus. I want to see Him now!", I said repeatedly to my father. He comforted me with a promise. "You will see Him someday", he said. And the mad desire to see Jesus soon left me.

As a young boy I grew sick. I had a mysterious illness. An old woman who lived nearby passed away at that time. As I lay sick, my parents heard me say that I saw the dead woman. My eyes were red and my body was weak. I did not allow my mother and my aunt to see me. I only allowed my father to be with me. I hated the sight of light, and lay in darkness. I refused to eat, and then one of my mother's friends offered me a soft drink, and I accepted it. They took me to a doctor, and he gave me medicine. I was soon "all right".

My grandfather, J.P. Pandian, who was my mother's father came to live with us. He was an extraordinary man who achieved much. He was a great storyteller and a lover of Christ. He told many stories and sang many songs. He had plenty of listeners, as all were drawn to him. My grandfather called me "Sam Swami", which meant "Sam the holy man". I loved him and admired him. When he passed away, I leaned against my father, and cried.

During the time my grandfather was with us, I had an accident. A boy I was playing with struck me in the eye with a sharp object. The white of my eye suffered damage, and I lost vision in one of my eyes. My parents and my aunt took me to a hospital, where a doctor told my father that I was destined to see the world with only one of my eyes. My father broke down. That was the first time I saw him cry. And he was crying for me. The Lord did not abandon me. They took me to another doctor, an expert, who was a Christian. He examined me and found that my injury was operable. He had me admitted to an eye hospital. He performed a major eye surgery on me, at the stroke of noon, when a church nearby chimed its bell. My mother and my aunt knelt in prayer outside the operation theater. A few hours later I was back, and the operation was successful. I remember the moment, when I lifted my bandage slightly, against the instruction of the doctor, and saw through my operated eye, and discovered that my vision was back.

I regained my vision but I went blind in another way. I began to be sexually conscious. I started to awaken sexually. I became obsessed with the human body, a tendency that has continued and intensified over the years to the point of becoming the primary interest in my life.

I also developed a love for the English language. I desired to speak it not like an Indian, but like an Englishman. I was drawn to the British and desired to live in England. My mother directed me to a pronoucing dictionary, and my aunt bought me my first pronouncing dictionary. I learned the phonetic notation, and guessed the pronunciation of English words from their transcriptions. I did not always learn correctly. But I learned avidly and determinedly.

My father took me out of my non-Christian school, and placed me in a Christian school. It was a school run by nuns, and it exposed me more to Christianity. Before I took my tenth standard examination, which is the school leaving certificate in India, I changed my name from Samuel Surender to Samuel George, to eliminate the Indianness from my name, so that it will sound more like the British whom I loved.

My father placed me in a Christian higher secondary school after I successfully obtained my school leaving certificate. It is in this school that I did something unusual. I observed that individual students were allowed to present a bible reading and a prayer at the morning assembly of students and teachers. I desired to present a little more than a bible reading and a prayer, mainly because I wanted to flaunt my British accent of English. I not only read the Bible, but I also added my commentary to it. I began to preach. My presentations were most unusual, and every eye was on me. My headmaster was stunned, and told my parents that I was destined to be a VVIP , a very very important person. I continued to make my presentations throughout that year. It was incredible how the Lord and His Word became a major part of my life, though I did not particularly love God or understand His Word. One of my school mates, who considered himself to be an atheist, attacked me constantly, and questioned my faith. I had absolutely no defence to offer, as I myself did not understand God and did not have any significant knowledge of Him. Our interactions led me to examine my faith or the absence of it seriously. And I made a decision to stop my morning presentations at school abruptly.

After I left school and joined college, I steadily moved away from faith. The atheist classmate continued his association with me, and we soon became friends. We went to the same college, and shared similar ideas regarding God and Christianity. We made fun of all Christians, and considered them to be fools. We ridiculed the Jesuits who ran the college, and privately troubled some of them with questions that they could not satisfactorily answer. I labelled myself an atheist, but I attacked God as though I believed in Him. I called him names, and spared no expletive in describing Him.

My life at home steadily decreased in quality. I began to despise my father. I found him to be an ignorant man and was ashamed to be associated with him. To a certain degree, I was even ashamed of my mother and my aunt, as they too seemed well below my level of knowledge. My father and I rarely communicated. I hated him as he had insulted me on many occasions. When I chose to study English, he opposed me severely and cursed me that I will not amount to anything in life. "Mark my words. You will be a good-for-nothing!" he said. I withdrew from him gradually, and never bothered to introduce him to anyone. I began to look at another man as my father. He was a friend from my church. He spoke to me kindly, and was delighted with my ability to speak and write English. He encouraged me and directed me to greater understanding. He also spent time with me, and showed me that he cared for me. There was also another man at my church, who helped me discover my identity. He helped uncover many mistakes, both spiritual and linguistic. I slowly began to correct myself.

After I completed my studies, I started to work as a teacher of English in a school. I became an instant success, largely because of my Britishness and my friendly personality. My students adored me and I adored them and we became close. Later I taught at a college, and the intensity of my association with students continued. As a teacher, I projected myself as an atheist, or at least a mocker of God. I rarely discussed morality with my students, and distinguished myself as particularly "amoral", as I had little regard for conventions and traditions, and even frequently spoke the unspeakable in class. Because I loved my students in an intense manner, I clashed with the authorities that ran the college. I left my job, and decided not to teach at least for a while.

I decided to enrol on a doctoral programme in linguistics. I left my parents and came to another city to conduct my doctoral research. My aunt, Mary Helen Indra, accompanied me. It is here in this city, right in the middle of my PhD research, I discovered God. My interest in God was stimulated by Christian television, which I began to watch at this time. Initially I was amused by these programs that featured healing services, which I believed to be staged. Soon I noticed the reaction on people's faces and began to ask myself this question: "What if this Jesus is real?" Discarding my atheistic disdain, I started to pray casual prayers to God. And my prayers were answered. Excited by my discovery of God I walked into a Christian exhibition. There I saw a Bible that I knew I had to buy.

I always thought the Bible was a most uninteresting book, not fit for reading. But after I bought my new Bible at the exhibition, my attitude changed, and it changed dramatically. The Bible that I read was in modern English, and was presented in a way that would attract the young believer. I started to read it, as I would read a novel. I abandoned everything. I even abandoned my doctoral research to read my Bible.

God began to speak to me. He appeared to me in dreams. He once appeared as a big bird and alighted on me. Then He appeared to me as a gigantic bearded man and laid His hand on my forehead. As I read His word, I received my instruction. He told me clearly to abandon my sexual desires that were leading me astray. He demanded that I destroy all the pictures that I had collected to fuel my sexual instinct. I resisted Him and pleaded with Him. But because I loved Him, I destroyed most of my collection. But some remained to lure me again. For years I moved forward and backward. I pursued the way of sin, and abandoned it temporarily for the way of God. I went back to sin, then came back to God. This went on as long as I read the Bible from cover to cover, and continued even beyond it. Matters eventually came to a head, and God gradually led me to that moment when I died and was born again.

- Samuel Godfrey George

The Desirable Union

When flesh meets flesh casually and illicitly, it is union, and desirable it is to some, and so it was to me once, but not anymore. The act of flesh deriving satisfaction from flesh is a joy temporary and flimsy and ultimately disappointing, if it occurs out of marriage, out of love and out of God's sanction.

In the grip of unholy love, in the stench of its juices I have passed many a pointless hour, many a day, and many a year. Much of my holy strength I have squandered on unholy lust that retards and regresses the work of God that I am. I have drunk deep from a fleshly cup until its contents revolt me and destroy the very desire to drink.

I have discovered that lust will not plunder the angel face of its riches. The lecher cannot strip away the everlasting joy of beauty. Nothing pure or lasting can be salvaged in an unblessed union that masquerades foolishly as love.

All misspent energy is misbegotten. The instinct to love comes from God. As He is holy, His instinct is also holy. Every act of love is an exercise of holiness. And this I will bear in mind as I give to and receive from others. My energy will be begotten of God. My desire will emerge from His heart. My embrace will be holy and my kiss will be chaste. My desire will be legal, and my love will give without the intent to receive.

- Samuel Godfrey George